CAPRICORN

I am fairly new to astrology cause a bitch been sceptical bout it all but them again Capricorns are known to be sceptical and forever looking for the ‘safer” options. I wont like this looking for a safer option has legit taken over my life, I overthink things and always imagine the worst possible outcome sometimes I am right about the outcome though lol, shit most of the times I am which has led me to always being safe.

Anyway I was about to say that Capricorns are known to be ambitious, well I am ambitious but I was more like this back in high school, growing up and seeing things has led me astray. We known to be ambitious, forever taking into account the negative side of things, responsible, resourceful and loyal. All my life I’ve only been the second trait, I am a pessimist to a t its annoying but being this person has always kept me safe but I have missed out on life. I am okay though.

In regards to my previous post…..I am learning to brush off the pessimist side of me, its gonna be a long ass process but I want to see if the results will be different and oviaasly if they are then I guess I will be an optimistic bitch from now on then lol

Hope.

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TAKING CHARGE

I currently looking for a job, so now I have decided to search for all the human resources managers in the companies I am hoping to work for. I will be sending each and every one of the my resume for whatever vacancies that they might have, well as long as they are aligned with what I hope to do in the company. This would really be dope if me taking charge like this worked out lol but I am hopefully, I wont lie anyway after I get the job eventually I shall start taking care of my skin and maybe after seeing results I will start the process of getting some skin by selling skin products that have obviously worked on my skin. This sounds like a simple ass idea but I am gonna have to do my research into how to do about this, I already know the ingredients that I need to manage my skin, all I have to do is get me a job and start buying them and hopefully, by the grace of God they work and I can see results but am gonna have to be patient but hey I have lived with this skin condition for this long, I can handle it lol.

I will see. I am hopeful however that something will pan out thou.

Stoic

I have recently been introduced to Stoicism and I am just pissed like why wasn’t I introduced to this earlier?!! like honestly….anyway with my previous post I would say that besides the courage that my friend instilled in me, with the help of Stoicism most especially Marcus Aurelius he has saying that goes ‘Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present’……… Man this quote man it spoke to me, it was like it was saying that I should stop postponing the inevitable because hey at the end of the day, whether it would be now or years later I would still be faced with the same ‘impossible’ task THAT IS MY FLAW, I might as well speak out about it and get it over and done with, not the most easiest thing to do when speaking out about something that you’ve always hated and have always allowed to hold you back in life, its not easy at all but it has to be done. I think at the end of the day it boils down to how I viewed myself, how I allowed it to consume my life and most importantly how the whole would view me and that shit always made me cry, every single night……it was just a lot, it was just a lot like so much pressure on myself to be this perfect person with a flawless skin and I sort of have accepted that this isn’t who I am and I will never be this person, I can try to manage the condition but it will not go away permanently and that is okay 🙂 🙂

 

GOOD DAY

A MOMENT

I legit just did the most scariest thing in my entire life, like ever…..a friend encouraged me months ago to actually get over my fear and to tell a guy that I really like about my flaw and only now did I get the courage to do it. Literally the whole day leading up to me telling him about my skin condition, my entire stomach was in knots, my stomach was making sounds that I’ve never heard off it was just about the scariest shit I have ever had to do and after I told him, it was like a some weight was lifted off my shoulders, I mean nerve wrecking but still wow.When I told him he was cool about it but because he hasn’t seen the problem in real life I have a feeling that its going to be a different story and my heart cannot take it, just the thought of it scares me even more. As I am typing this I am nervous for when that moment arrives, I cannot shit food isn’t even getting in and I love me some food so yeah that’s how nervous I am……we will see I shall look at his reaction and will tell yall bout it lol. I am laughing but I am nervous as HELL

WHY DO I HAVE THIS SKIN CONDITION?????

It is said that God gives his strongest soldiers the hardest battle but He chose the wrong soldier when it comes to what I am faced with. The skin condition that I have isn’t actually a condition because its not detrimental to my health but it is detrimental to my life and my obsession with me has consumed me to a point where I don’t see the point in living anymore, I feel worthless and dirty. Some of the sites that have information on my skin condition say that it gets better with aging, it doesn’t get cured but it becomes much lighter and mine just keeps getting worse and worse. Nothing can ever go right in my life, absolutely nothing and I cannot seem to talk to anyone about my feelings because they never understand how I feel or when I am vocal about my feelings, I get told that I am exaggerating and that I love looking for problems where there aren’t any.  I don’t understand why I do not have flawless skin like all other fat women, mine just had to be the most disgusting thing on earth, its bad enough already that society sees big women as disgusting now I gotta add a disgusting skin condition too???? I genuinely do not understand how I have wronged God, I don’t understand why I have to live this life. Everyday is a struggle, I cannot perform the simplest task without being looked at some type of way, I hate how this thing has consumed so much of my life, I hate how it makes me feel and the skin keeps getting worse day by day.  I HATE IT

FEELINGS

I feel like a fraud and I feel like I don’t belong here or anywhere in the world. I had said to myself that I am going to start this blog and be like other kids, be happy about it but nothing. I haven’t posted anything in ages simply cause this is not my thing. I thought I would treat this site as a gateway to be confident in myself and that feeling lasted for like a day and I haven’t been able to recover it back. My life is going nowhere and I feel a part of me slowing dying inside. I have always been a pessimist and I am sceptical about everything and I don’t know why, yass I read motivational readings and whatever else but the more I read them the more I feel outta place. I am feeling so many emotions and none of them are positive to myself or life in general. I cannot seem to get my mind in the right space and me not being in the right space results in me pushing people away on some ‘ I don’t like people’ ‘people annoy me’ ‘I am a lonewolf and that is how I like it’ ‘I don’t need this and that’……saying all these things and others make me feel like…….uh i don’t know how they make me feel

I posted some motivational whatever saying thing some time back and the response aka likes were good, though they were just 10. Having go through what I read I realised that I had lied to myself.I cannot seem to get my mind right, I don’t  feel good about anything in my life right now  and quite frankly I have never felt good about anything in my life. Sure I smile and laugh,a lot but after those few seconds pass I go back to being sad. I don’t know if I am sad, angry or just alone but hey atleast  I don’t have worse like the next person right? Atleast that’s what I am told…….

I tried to fake it til I make it but feelings of being lost and lack of enthusiasm come back all time and they manifest way bigger than before, I cannot seem to get out of my head, I just cannot seem to find what works for me, I cannot seem to find me and what make me happy. The negativity has consumed me and I cannot seem to change.

Why am I feeling this way???

Its been a minute since I last worked out, not an entire week but 3 days since I last did something…..I wouldn’t say that am taking a break but I just haven’t been in the mood and it sucks that when am feeling with way I eat and my go to I-am-emotional-but-Ion-why food is French fries, always and that shit isn’t good if am gonna get that hourglass bhadi :(…..hope to get my mojo by tomorrow

The good thing that has come from being working out for whole 3weeks straight LMFAO, is that my period hasn’t come and am only getting discharge and only when I wipe myself, OVER THE MOON lol am super happy

I see a difference in my hair growth, think my hair is getting healthier and stronger by the day, I was doubtful at first with the regimen I am using because I had thought that natural hair needs expensive ass products but looks like am on the right track 🙂

Try your best NOT to get caught up

Its so easy to get caught up in self hate where you cant seem to stop hating yourself , you try your best to not hate the body that you in and God knows u trying but you cant seem to stop. When you try to find positive in the body that you in you still end up hating that one thing even if it was never your intention to do so. Its so easy to get caught up and actually stuck in this dark, dark place and there is seem to be no hope at all. This place has become home to you, its actually the new normal for you to a point where your entire life is consumed by negativity and you actually cant breath and yet you cant stop these thoughts.

I know this and I been trying really hard to get out and so far I been teaching myself before getting out of bed to actually smile( with my stank ass breath) and just be thankful. From there on I would find one thing about myself that I love and ask myself why I held onto hope for so long, why I didn’t give up. That reason, though personal I will share it at a later stage is the reason why I am still here and I genuinely feel like that negativity is slowly fading away, I am eventually get out of this hell hole that I found myself in without even noticing.

Not to sound clichéd but baby girl and boy you can do this and u will get out of that negative mindset, it might not be now and it will happen. Start when you FEEL like you are ready. To my surprise writing down my thoughts actually helped so maybe it might help you too.

Goodnight my little community 🙂